have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk