just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I use my feet as sexual weapons