Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
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Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
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She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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