My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
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Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
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Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween