'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
