so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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