He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
