she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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