Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
