WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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