and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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