Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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