drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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