I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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