he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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