i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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