she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
