Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
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A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
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For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
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