I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
