I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
