good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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