My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
