im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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