I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
