I can text with my tongue
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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