i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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