My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
