I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I think your dad took our porno
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
