I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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