My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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