yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
