Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
