He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
