Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
