In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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