Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
