I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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