don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
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