I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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