Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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