I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
