dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
