And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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