He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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