so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
