she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
