I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
