I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
