Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
