My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
