I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
