i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
