Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
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