Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
