i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
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