yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
