I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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