it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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