I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
being pregnant is like rehab
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
