do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
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I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
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yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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