i think i have herpe
just one?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
