I only kidnapped one of them. chill
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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